


THE PUNISHMENT

by SANS_TITRE



Category: Fire Emblem Heroes
Genre: Absurd, Character Death, Chases, Crazy, Dialogue Heavy, Fun, Humor, Love Confessions, M/M, Punching, Stupidity, The Author Regrets Nothing, Transformation, Weirdness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-06-18 04:37:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15477831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SANS_TITRE/pseuds/SANS_TITRE
Summary: I don't even know what to say at this point. Just go ahead, read the fanfic -If you dare.Niles has a sudden urge to punch Odin in the face, but the consequences of such an action would far exceed anyone's expectations. Will he do it anyway? Will the world fall into chaos once more?There's one pure moment, and the rest is crazy nonsense.Hríd is in the fanfic. He's hot. If you needed another reason to read, maybe?





	THE PUNISHMENT

NILES : I would give _anything_ just to punch you in the face right now.  
ODIN : Really? And why is that, may I ask?  
CATRIA : Yes, do inform us.  
TITANIA : Please.  
HECTOR : Because if you don't...  
SAIZO : You will face our fury.  
EFFIE : Our burning anger.  
SHARENA : It shall be a divine punishment!  
GRIMA : The end of you.  
ANNA : And maybe worse!  
LUCINA : Much worse.  
ZELGIUS : Don't say we didn't warn you.  
NILES : ...  
ODIN : Where do you all even come from?  
NILES : I don't know, but I feel like I should reward their flawless synchronisation.  
ODIN : And how will you do that, I ask?  
_(Niles punches Odin.)_  
HECTOR : YOU LITTLE SHIT-  
SAIZO : YOU HAVE BREATHED YOUR LAST!  
GRIMA : UNFORGIVABLE.  
SHARENA : SCANDALOUS!  
TITANIA : Naughty boy.  
ZELGIUS : Here's what we should do. He needs a proper punishment, and I think I have the perfect idea. First, we need a knife, a rope and a chair.  
LUCINA : I'll get them!  
ZELGIUS : Next we need chains, a bag of flour and a tea leaf.  
HECTOR : Sure. I'll bring them in a minute.  
ZELGIUS : Once we have all these ingredients, we need a horse, goat cheese and one of Ryoma's limbs.  
SAIZO : Wait, what?  
CATRIA : Why would you need one of his limbs? Why him?  
TITANIA : Would the penis do?  
ZELGIUS : Yes.  
TITANIA : I'll be back soon.  
SAIZO : You're not going anywhere!  
_(He jumps onto her back but she ignores him and keeps walking. He punches the air in frustration. They meet Lucina in the hallway - she is back with the knife, the rope and the chair.)_  
LUCINA : What is going on here?  
TITANIA : Are you sure you want to know?  
LUCINA : Well...  
SAIZO : You gotta help me!  
TITANIA : I am going to slice Lord Ryoma's dick.  
LUCINA : Cool! With or without your axe?  
TITANIA : I'll use a nut.  
LUCINA : A nut?  
SAIZO : Because she's nuts! Don't listen to her!  
LUCINA : Hey, don't be rude to nuts.  
TITANIA : They are cool, and great at dancing.  
LUCINA : That's what people say, at any rate.  
SAIZO : _(angrily)_ Nobody has EVER said that!  
WRYS : _(Arrives on the scene riding a watermelon)_ Hello kids! Did you know that nuts were rather skilled dancers?  
LUCINA : See? Told you!  
SAIZO : AAAAAAAH  
_(He tries tu murder Wrys, but the knife fails to pierce through Wrys' manly abs)_  
WRYS : Easy there, big fella.  
SAIZO : How did you...?  
TITANIA : Do you reckon I can take his peni-  
LUCINA : Don't. Just don't.  
WRYS : The readers are making funny faces.  
LUCINA : Duude! The fourth wall!  
WRYS : Sorry.  
SAIZO : Am I seriously the only one wondering why he is riding a fucking watermelon?  
TITANIA : Yes, I think.  
KAZE : _(Coming from nowhere)_ Actually I was wondering just the same thing!  
SAIZO : Shut up Kaze.  
KAZE : Sure! I'll go back into the void for now.  
LUCINA : The void? That sounds fun. Can we go there too?  
TITANIA : Depends. If you think we can find Ryoma's...  
LUCINA : Stop saying the word.  
TITANIA : Ryoma's... spear.  
SAIZO : It's a big spear.  
WRYS : Not as big as mine.  
LUCINA : ... What just happened.  
TITANIA : I don't know what horrifies me the most, the fact that Saizo has seen Ryoma's spear or that Wrys has seen it too.  
WRYS : Well, we were together.  
SAIZO : Excuse me?  
WRYS : I was hiding under your -

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**The author decided to focus on a different set of characters for now, because the integrity of the reader would have been compromised if Wrys had finished his sentence. Everyone is very sorry for the perturbation, _especially_ your grandmother.**

NILES : While Titania and Saizo were chatting in the hallway, none of us did absolutely anything to make the story progress in any way. We just stood there looking like idiots.  
ODIN : I rubbed my cheek once.  
NILES : Thanks for your contribution.  
CATRIA : Say, black knight. You never told us how the punishment finishes.  
ZELGIUS : Oh, right. Well at the end we put Niles in the oven with a horse and a bunch of cherries, and we wait.  
HECTOR : We wait? I hate waiting!  
_(He jumps through a window and runs into a field, yelling like a madman)_  
GRIMA : What about the knife? The rope? The chair?  
ZELGIUS : We cut the rope with the knife and we slap each other with the pieces until the baking is done.  
EFFIE : How long does it take?  
ZELGIUS : About three to seven hours.  
NILES : If Alfonse can be my horse, I'm okay with it.  
SHARENA : I'll go ask if he's available.  
ANNA : What a shame... I feel like Gunnthrà would have enjoyed this a lot, had she been alive...  
_(Sharena leaves the room. Hector's screams can still be heard in the distance.)_  
ZELGIUS : How big is your oven, Anna?  
ANNA : Oh it's big. Bigger than you can imagine. But it doesn't come for free.  
ZELGIUS : What do you need?  
ANNA : Seven gold coins, your grandmother and a golden arrow.  
ZELGIUS : What? I'm never giving you my golden arrow!  
CATRIA : So selfish.  
ZELGIUS : Shut up, you.  
CATRIA : I refuse to shut up.  
ZELGIUS : Then stop talking.  
CATRIA : Okay!  
_(Sharena comes back with a cheesecake.)_  
SHARENA : Alfonse is saying he's sorry but he can't come. He's too busy... "running away for his dear life" I think it was. But luckily I've found a replacement for you!  
NILES : Oh boy. And who is that going to be?  
SHARENA : Prince Hríd of Nifl.  
_(Niles faints from pleasure)_  
HRÍD : Hello.  
_(Catria covers her nose which has started bleeding. Odin's eyes widen. Hector stops running like a goat and peers inside through the smashed window.)_  
HECTOR : Holy holly! This handsome wholesome gentleman is some hot sauce! Hey, hot man, will you marry me?  
HRÍD : Yes.  
HECTOR : Cool!  
NILES : _(suddenly waking up)_ Hey, no fair!  
ZELGIUS : Shut up, you still need to be punished, remember?  
ODIN : But wait, he, ah, uh, oh...  
ZELGIUS : ... proceed.  
ODIN : _(puts on sunglasses)_ Step on me, hot guy.  
CATRIA : Nooooo, step on me! Look, I'm already on the floooooor, just stomp me with those... handsome feet of yours...  
_(She dies because the pleasure is too much to handle)_  
HRÍD : Are you all done embarrassing me? Can I go into the oven now?  
NILES : Oh, yes.  
ODIN : Oh no!  
EFFIE : Maybe.  
GRIMA : What would your mother say?  
ANNA : At any rate, I won't open the oven until I get paid.  
NILES : _(Rips off his right arm)_ Take my arm, now let's go!  
ANNA : Fresh meat! Awesome!  
_(She opens the oven, only to find it it is not empty. The evil Surtr comes out, laughing devilishly)_  
SURTR : Mwahaha, this was all a trap to foil you all! Now die!  
_(He rolls a dice. The floor turns into pictures of Laslow's dog)_  
ODIN : Oh no! I can't stand dogs! This is most problematic.  
_(He spits all of his teeth out, but they turn into flowers and clap their hands in unison.)_  
EFFIE : I'm calling the police.  
ANNA : Chomp chomp.  
EFFIE : Why are you saying "chomp chomp"?  
ANNA : I just felt like it.  
HECTOR : Guys, I'm stuck in the window!  
ZELGIUS : How did you manage to exit the first time?  
HECTOR : I can't remember!  
_(He becomes a box of matches)_  
ODIN : Wait, does that mean I'm toothless now? Like the dragon? Haha!  
HRÍD : I don't mean to be rude, but if you're all out of teeth, you can't pronounce the sentence you just pronounced flawlessly.  
ODIN : Dang.  
SURTR : I think I'm stuck in the oven.  
NILES : Lucky you!  
ZELGIUS : What is it with everybody and getting stuck in things today?  
ANNA : Oh by the way, I forgot to mention, but I'm stuck in a paperclip right now.  
EFFIE : That's not even possible!  
ANNA : Oh, it isn't?  
_(She melts like an ice cream and falls into a hand. Inside the hand is a remote. On the remote is a tiny Merric.)_  
MERRIC : Ah, what a pleasant breeze. Everyone ready?  
SURTR : Did you guys hear something?  
GRIMA : Don't think I did.  
SHARENA : It was like a needle in a shoebox...  
_(Merric grabs the oven with his tiny hands and throws it into the roof.)_  
MERRIC : Y E E T  
SURTR : I'VE BEEN YEETED  
ZELGIUS : Yote?  
GRIMA : So powerful.  
NILES : I like eggs.  
ODIN : _(punching Niles)_ Shut up, thot!  
NILES : Ouch.  
SHARENA : Odin! You got your revenge!  
NILES : My cheek! My... my feelings...  
ODIN : Uh...  
NILES : _(Crying)_ The truth is... the only reason I punched you is because I wanted to get your attention!  
ODIN : Aww... but why?  
NILES : Because... _(dramatic sobs)_ I'm in love with you!  
CATRIA'S CORPSE : _(shocked face)_ No way!  
ODIN : Could it be? You were in love with me all along?  
ZELGIUS : I am so tired of these fanfics. Can you believe I have been featured in every single one of them?  
SURTR : Oh, boohoo. I'm stuck in an oven AND in the roof.  
CATRIA : I am dead.  
ANNA : I am a become the floor!  
GRIMA : ( _sadly_ ) My role has been insignificant so far.  
_(She turns into a snowman.)_  
GRIMA : This does not make anything better.  
_(She turns into a truck)_  
GRIMA : Stop it!  
_(A very ugly truck)_  
GRIMA : Why couldn't I keep my big mouth shut?  
ZELGIUS : Nice wheels.  
GRIMA : _Nice wheels._  Are you _fucking_ kidding me, Zelgius?  
ODIN : What a day. _(He shoots the truck with the evil bow Skadi, making it turn into a pumkin-spice latte.)_ Niles, I love you so much that I don't even regret being turned down by the supremely hot guy.  
HRÍD : I didn't turn anybody down!  
CATRIA'S CORPSE : You turned me down.  
HRÍD : Yeah but you're dead. Besides, how old are you?  
EFFIE : Does it really matter at this point?  
ANNA : She's pretty talkative for a corpse.  
CATRIA : Says the one who has become the floor.  
TINY MERRIC : Shut up or I'll yeet you all the way to the north pole.  
CATRIA : Is it far?  
MERRIC : About ten yards from here, I'd say.  
CATRIA : Go for it.  
ZELGIUS : How will I sum these events in my diary?  
EFFIE : You know what's cool with you, Zelgius? Your problems are always relatable. That was sarcasm, by the way.  
ZELGIUS : No but seriously, how would you describe this mess to your dear diary?  
_(Effie looks at the corpse, the box of matches, the flowers clapping their hands, the pumpkin-spice latte, the tiny Merric, the half-chewed arm, the pictures of Laslow's dog, the smashed window, the oven stuck in the roof and Surtr coming out of it.)_  
EFFIE : Seems pretty simple to me.  
HRÍD : Am I married to a matchbox?  
SHARENA : Could be worse.  
CATRIA : Yeah, you could be dead.  
RYOMA : Or you could be chased by a bunch of freaks trying to chop your penis off.  
ANNA : Lord Ryoma? What are you doing here?  
RYOMA : Titania. I don't think I need to add anything else?  
EFFIE : I dunno, you could have a verb at least.  
RYOMA : I'll only ask this once. Who is responsible for this?  
EFFIE : Zelgius.  
SHARENA : Zelgius.  
GRIMA : Zelgius.  
ODIN : Zelgius.  
NILES : Zelgius sama.  
ANNA : Zelgius.  
HRÍD : Zelgius probably?  
ZELGIUS : ... hmm. Surtr has been acting awfully suspicious, have you noticed?  
SURTR : Oh, come on!  
RYOMA : Rajinto!  
TITANIA : _(bursting in the room, Saizo still on her back_ )There he is!  
SAIZO : Nooooooo!  
LUCINA : I'm having so much fun, you guys have no idea.  
SAIZO : Lord Ryoma, I beg you, don't kill anybody today! You are the greatest warrior I have ever had the chance to serve, your beauty is beyond anything ever witnessed, you are brave, kind and honest ; but if you kill this man in a fit of anger, your reputation will be stained forever! Besides, he'll regenerate, so it won't even be useful! Please, Lord Ryoma. You are my reason to live, and I wish for nothing more than your happiness. I... I love you!  
_(The room falls silent for a moment. Odin feels slightly awkward that he doesn't have his teeth in such a crucial moment.)_  
RYOMA : Wow Saizo, I had no idea you felt that way. You have always been my most loyal servant and in many occasions my rank forced me to refrain my affection and admiration for you. I thought that given my status I couldn't afford to be friendly with you. But now I understand how wrong I was. Your words have shaken my soul awake. I have always wanted you by my side, not because of your loyalty, or your strength, but because I like you... for who you are. I love you, Saizo.  
SAIZO : _(taking a step towards his Lord and blushing)_ Sire... I would die for you.  
RYOMA : I know. And I would save your life a million times because life without you would be meaningless.  
SAIZO : You are the best thing that ever happened to me.  
_(They share a hug. It is a bit awkward because both men are wearing their armors, but apart from that it's pretty sweet, and everyone in the room is like "awww", except for Zelgius who looks like he has been sucking lemons for the past hour.)_  
NILES : Well. That was unexpected.  
HRÍD : _(crying)_ These two get the most perfect love declaration and I am married to a fucking matchbox? Seriously?  
CATRIA : Stop complaining already!  
TITANIA : What do I do now? I'm not gonna cut lord Ryoma's spear now because I have a strange feeling he's gonna need it soon.  
LUCINA : Maybe you should rest a bit. The floor seems nice.  
ANNA : Hey, don't sleep on me! You have to pay me first.  
GRIMA : Boy, this room is a mess.  
EFFIE : You okay Zelgius?  
ZELGIUS : Yeah, I'm fine. It's just... I've been thinking.  
EFFIE : About what?  
ZELGIUS : It's been a while since Surtr has been stuck into Anna's oven. He must be pretty uncomfortable right now. So I figured, he must be trying to get out rather badly, and gravity is on his side, not to mention he's a pretty heavy guy.  
EFFIE : And?  
ZELGIUS : And I'm standing right underneath him right now, so at any moment he could just-  
SURTR : Watch out I'm falling!  
EFFIE : Oh, I see what you mean.  
_(Surtr falls onto Zelgius, and both men collapse.)_  
ANNA : Ouch.  
SHARENA : What a day.  
MERRIC : You don't say?

_(Meanwhile, in the void)_

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